Surviving Love And Relationships With Alcoholics And Addicts
People in long term relationships with alcoholics and addicts are given the label codependent. Personally I never cared for that term. It always made me feel like I was the one with the problem, and in a way I was.
Lets look at this analogy. You’re flying in a plane, suddenly the engines go out and the plane has to make an emergency landing, say in the Hudson River. As the plane lands it starts taking on water, it’s time to get out. The person sitting next to you doesn’t want to move. You explain to them that they will die if they don’t get up, they say they don’t care.
You beg and plead with them and even get into a physical altercation, all for the sake of just saving their life. Another passenger, about to exit the plane yells, hey stop being codependent and just leave them there to die. You pause for a moment and realize you love this passenger and that’s because its your spouse,child, best friend, etc. You look back up and see the plane is filling up fast. If you don’t get out now, you will die. The person you love is sitting in the seat, tight gripped, and not willing to budge. What do you do now? Save yourself or go down with the plane together?
This analogy may seem a bit dramatic, but for many people in relationships with alcoholics and addicts, this is how life exists on a monthly, weekly, and many times even a daily basis.
When people tell me yes, yes, that’s exactly what my life is like and has been, I then ask, “for how long?”
Then I ask “and how much longer would you like it to continue like this for?”
The expression is usually that of shock. Why would anybody want it to continue on? Why can’t it just be fixed? Then I point them back to the plane crash analogy. You see nobody wants to be in that situation, but when it happens YOU ARE THERE. PERIOD. Now you must look at your choices on how you want to move forward with your life.
When we keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result, we are considered insane. Many time we struggle within a relationship not knowing exactly what is going on in the world around us until we finally “wake up.”
The fact that we keep trying to save someone over and over and not realize that it’s the person with the addiction problem who needs the help clearly puts us in the codependency category. So you may be thinking well what our my options? Great question!!!
Now that you are aware you have two options.
1) Go back into a constant care taking cycle and live fully in codependency
or
2) Decide that you want a new life and begin digging into personal development. This has many areas you will need to begin building and developing. It takes time but I can guarantee you that the Journey is WELL WORTH IT !!!!
******** Begin with a Basic Self Assessment ********
Finish the following sentence by writing down the answers (by writing them down it will make them more real and will help you to build a better foundation)
“If the person I’m codependent over did not exist……….
1) ……what would my life be like?”
2) ……what would I do for fun?”
3) ……what would make me happy?”
4) ……how would I feel about waking up each morning?”
5) ……would it be easy for me to go to sleep each night?”
“If I continue this same path of codependency…….
1) ……what will my finances look like in 5 years?”
2) ……what will I look like in 5 years?”
3) ……where will I be living in 5 years?”
4) ……what will my health look like in 5 years?”
Each person is different and will have different circumstances. If you have kids then you really need to think about how they will be affected.
By being true to yourself you can get a good idea of where you are at and get a glimpse into what could turn out to be a very bright future.
alanon
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